The Sex Issue articles

{Originally published in the C. W. Post Pioneer. The fourth issue of the "Revue", the entertainment section of the paper, the Entertainment Editor let me take the reigns and theme an issue. I, being the rambunctious shit I was back then, decided it should be the "Sex Issue". It's main feature was an article on the "Sexiest Scenes in Movies", as well as small articles of "Sexiest TV Couples", "Songs to have Sex to" and "Shows That Shot Their Wad: Power Rangers" 'cause they let some weird kids write for the newspaper. Below are the articles I wrote, or my contributions to them. Additionally, the final piece, obscured in white, is an article I wrote on a dare from my editor, who swore I couldn't write something so vulgar he wouldn't publish it. I won that dare. It is extremely NSFW, and truly obscene, and reflects very poorly on me out of context. But, hey, read at your own risk}

Sexiest Movie Scene: The Graduate

You’ve just graduated college with no idea what to do. At your party, your family friend asks you to drive her home. When you get there, she offers you a drink, and starts to subtly seduce you. Nervously, you flee upstairs, only to find she’s followed you, stripped down, and has shut the door, telling you she’s “available to you” and asks “Would you like me to seduce you?” This sounds like a fantasy of the average man, and one that Dustin Hoffman got to live in multiple takes on the set of Mike Nichol’s The Graduate, a movie about boy meets girl who‘s the daughter of the woman he‘s been sleeping with. There’s little in this world sexier than a woman who doesn’t care about your worries, she knows what she wants and takes it (Are you listening, honey?). So, to that I say “Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson!”

Songs In The Key Of Sex

Shut off the lights and turn up the stereo. Whether it’s a lover or someone you barely know, no one likes silent sex. So, please enjoy, give them a try, but remember: I wouldn’t recommend inappropriate or dangerous sexual acts to everyone, but they’ve always worked for me.

• I Want You (She’s So Heavy)- The Beatles: A twelve word long song of sheer seduction hides between “Octopus’s Garden” and “Here Comes The Sun”. So what if you don’t have a god damn clue what “She’s so heavy” means. Odds are, neither did they.
• Let’s Stay Together- Al Green: When it comes to songs for sex, sometimes you can’t avoid the staple soul singers. If the person you’re about to have sex with isn’t in the mood after a little of Rev. Green’s styling, they’re not worth the condom.
• Roads- Portishead: Whenever a show on HBO or Showtime uses slow, ambient music to score a sex scene, they’re just wishing they had this song. The song’s laced with R&B beat, 70’s porno guitar, and Beth Gibbon’s trembling vocals that send the right kind of shivers.
• Chan Chan- Buena Vista Social Club Soundtrack: Sure, it’s in another language, and I don’t know what the f*ck they’re talking about. Sex isn’t about words. (Well, sometimes it is, but that kind costs 10 cents a minute.) This song sweats beach fires, Corona, and scantily clad Latin waitresses. If that don’t get you going, see a doctor.
• Pour Some Sugar On Me- Def Leppard: With a drum beat hand-crafted (with only one hand, no less) for the strip club, Joe Elliott and the boys from Def Leppard create a perplexing plea for a good time (Do…do they want to get covered in semen?) They’re “Hot, sticky sweet” and by the end of Phil Collen’s solo, you will be too.
• Let’s Get It On- Marvin Gaye: Sure, it’s the most cliché sex-song ever. But it doesn’t take much to figure out why. This has been the go-to shag song for decades. Hell, you may have been made to this track.
• Whole Lotta Love- Led Zeppelin: The entire album of Led Zeppelin II is designed for planting your Robert, but the opening track has the line “I’m gonna give you every inch of my love.” I need say no more.
• Crash Into Me- Dave Matthews Band: From a man who’s usually singing frenetic verses about whiskey, it’s touching to hear what sounds like a gentle love song out of old DMB. Then you hear him grumble out “Hike up your skirt a little more, and show your world to me.” Admit it, you’re already turned on.
• Justify My Love- Madonna: If phone-sex were set to music, it’d sound like this. Madonna’s never been one to hide the sex in her songs, but never has it been so…sexy. Hell, all the panting she does on this track, it sounds like she may finish first.
• Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley: Forget the crap track from Watchmen. This song is the pen-ultimate song for making love. “Remember when I moved in you, and the holy dove was moving to.” Leonard Cohen wrote about the pain of love, Jeff Buckley sang about the Hallelujah of the orgasm.

  The Article Made on a Bet

I’ve used the space I’m given in the Pioneer to rant against Lady Gaga, Megan Fox, and Andy Samberg. But I’d like to take this moment to complain about something I hate more than all three of them combined: sloppy blowjobs. That’s right. I said it. Look, baby, I’m touched you’re gonna do that, but do it right. If someone offers to paint my house, and then they just splash a can of paint on the wall, no one can blame me for being pissed, right? It’s the same here. After a night of passion (or a day of passion, or 15 minutes in my car between Major Forces in Film and Cinematography) I don’t want to feel like I’ve got a Doberman’s tongue dangling between my legs for the next hour and a half. It’s not a Popsicle. You can’t just slobber. Your tongue is like a paintbrush. Be Michelangelo, not Jackson Pollock. And while we’re on the subject, with regard to reciprocation: Fuck that. I always get “But I went down on you. It’s the same thing”. No it’s not. You get one shot of baby batter in the mouth, and you have the luxury of choice: Spit or swallow. We don’t. Down there for 5, 10 minutes, lapping up whatever’s going on down there, and we have to swallow every drop. There’s no spitting, unless we wanna do the Olympic swimmer move: Go down, turn head to the side, spit, breath in, repeat. No, that’s just not happening, honey. One last note to wrap this up: During sex, don’t say “Oh, baby, make me come.” What the fuck else am I gonna do, make you a hat? Of course I’m trying to make you come. Oh, and don’t call me daddy.